Shellshock

What am I doing? I kissed her. Why would I do that? We said we wouldn't- we set up guidelines! Is it right? Is it so wrong? In that moment, were my intentions pure? Was I no better than any other guy on the street? No.

She deserves better than that. She deserves a man who can conquer his urges, smother such thoughts so they never get a chance to see the light of day. If I can't play by these guidelines that we set now, what on earth makes me believe I'll play by them later on, when the stakes are higher, when the self satisfaction and near lust of a moment is greater than any other?

Like I said, she deserves better than that. I won't be that dickhead who pleases himself with others through physical means, I won't be that self satisfying pig. I'll be the guy she needs, one who won't get so close to the limits we set, one who will play well inside the lines we set, one who gets absolute satisfaction from our conversations, with no supplemental physical needs. I'll be the guy who relies solely on our conversations, our intellect, our opinions, to fulfill all of my desires, every pleasure.

Right now, hugs and kisses are fantastic, but I'm afraid that they are almost needed, like I'm almost addicted in a way. That's not acceptable.

I love her, especially talking to her whenever I can. I need to shut off these other feelings of physical want, they aren't in our best interest, and they'll do nothing but harm us. I need to focus on the social part even more. When I get a physical want, I need to fill it with conversation or something. It's just not acceptable, I can't let myself fall prey to such primitive human desires of wanting physical affection. It will do nothing but harm us, and that's the last thing I want to do.