Wednesday, April 10, 2013

As The Mist Begins To Clear

Slowly I'm figuring my head out. I haven't silenced all the fears and destructive thoughts yet, but I'm getting there. Most of them are gone, except the thought that I am the same as her Ex, so I will end up like him.

She says "if I prepare for it to end, then it probably will." And I agree. But my subconscious is driving me insane, whispering all day and night that I will end up like that bastard. That's the major demon I'm struggling with at the moment. Perhaps I'll just give in to the thought and stop denying the facts, and then just wait until she figures out I'm the same as him, just with a different face.

Perhaps I'll do that, or perhaps I'll talk to her about it. If I do, I'm sure she'll cure me of this destructive thought process- she has before. But at the same time, I'm not sure when to bring it up, or if she'll think less of me for being so insecure. I mean really, things are going great right now, there's no reason for me to be getting down at all. About anything.

I mean she came over tonight for a study date and it was lovely. There were a million times when I sat there thinking we are a very unique and perfect couple, everything I could ask for and more. After that, I can shut off nearly every fear I have. I know she's not going to leave me anytime soon, in fact I think she'll do everything she can to stay with me. So why do I still have this fear?

Is it because her ex once had that same belief? Because she's probably said the same things to him as to me? Because why? Why am I so afraid that every promise of our future will come crumbling down simply because I believe I share some common traits with some guy she broke up with? It's so silly! And yet it's there, drawing my mind away from enjoying life, and into fearing it and holding onto every second with her I have.

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