Thursday, October 31, 2013

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Can I make her world amazing? Can I make her love life? Will that also make me love it? I can't stand to know she's upset, but I can't stand to know she's hiding it either. I want to make everything wonderful for her, but I just don't think I can. I don't think I'm good enough for her. I wish I was. And maybe I still can be. I'll be better still. For her.
I feels...

Monday, October 28, 2013

Perhaps guys like video games so much because we can cheat on them. Haha wit! =)

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Tis my Birthday

And that's that. For now. Maybe I'll talk about it later tonight.

Monday, October 21, 2013

Blow your eardrums out and sing in the silence.

Update

So my biggest issue in life is that I don't like me and I think I have no future. I believe I have every right to hate me, I'm not a good person and regardless of what I think or try to do to change it, it doesn't help. I don't have the willpower to be a better person. I kinda suck as a human. But the other sad part of my existence is I don't really have a future. I don't know what I have that can help the world, that's beneficial to society. I'm a waste if I don't have a productive place in the world, or so the world tells me.


Power is worth.
Knowledge is power.
Lack of knowledge is worthlessness.
I failed a math rest pretty hard today. I took it last week and knew I did bad on it when I took it. I got sad, miserable, perhaps even close to temporarily depressed. I began writing things on my test. There was a section I knew I bombed. I wrote on the side something like " will be shocked, astonished, maybe even go as far as to say I'm flabbergasted if I get a single one of these right. Because I'm just down right intelligent. I've made spelling errors, I'm sure. Correct those too, continue to tell me how wrong and how much of a failure I am." Later at the end of the test, I wrote a long sad thing that she replied to in a "im trying to care" petty manner.


"I know that I'm just short of lobotomized on the scale of intelligence. That's what this class had taught me. That I'm a dim witted waste of an organism. Every teacher has said "this is what you need to succeed in life!" And I have none of those things. I won't make it. That being said, those things were told to me by people who didn't exactly make it, they're only just surviving. That's my only hope, that you're all wrong. It's a childish and feeble hope with no ground at all, but it's all I have. I'm sorry that I wasted your time by making you grade this, and I'm profusely sorry if you read this poorly written snapshot of my heart and soul. I really am sorry."

I vented. It was cry in class or vent. And I vented. And perhaps it was a mistake. She came back with pretty much a "oh golly, where'd you get that idea? Oh dearie, we should talk." I don't think we'll have a conversation. And if by some act of God we do, I don't see it helping me. I can't do the work, the concepts are beyond me. I can't quit, my parents won't let me and I need their signature to change classes. All I can do is struggle on the surface of this mathematical ocean, drowning slowly as things go over my head. My GPA will burn, my parents will become furious and punish me, I'll become mentally drained and emotionally barren. I'll be broken. At least that would come out of the scenario. Perhaps at that point my GPA will get better, but I have my doubts. I think I'll just become emotional and stressed, strained. I'll snap under the pressure of horrific math and parents weighing it down on my chest. I mean, I can't even do pre calculus. I won't make it through college, it's a million times harder. Then what? I'm a boy in a mans world, without a degree or talent, broken with nothing but a disapproving and controlling family left? What a miserable existence it will be.

I'm living in fear of that existence. My purposeless world. I have nothing to offer, and I am almost certain that schooling won't show me something that I can. I've been through 11 years of it, and nothing of worth to the world had been gained yet. Am I to believe the next 5 will?

Gosh, damn it... I have now, the fictitious world of skyrim, disapproving parents, a suicidal mind and a heart diseased with love. Or lust. It's unclear at times which it is. Which is deeply concerning and sad. I also have a mirriad of broken dreams and fears, friends with masks 3 layers deep, a school system built on control and the factory system, and the atrocious perk of learning things, and when I can tell others about these things, people think I'm bullshitting them. I don't know what to do with it all. There's more defects under more layers of caked on guilt and shame that God can't quite mine through.

What I do have is her. And she loves me and I love her. But I hate myself in retrospect always for the things I've done witb her, and the things I want from her. No sex, but I still have guilt. Regret. The one thing I wanted to do without. I swear, if she were anyone else she'd leave. She should. She really should. Just be done with me, move on and cut one of the final ties that keep this Zeppelin of self destruction tethered to the earth. But for some reason she hasn't. She loves me, that's her reason and I buy it. But why? For the few funny and charming moments? For the occasional love note that I recently haven't been giving her? The sweet treats that let her know I love her? Is it a good looking face or something? A black guys dick on a white guy? A sense that i truly at my core care for her? Why does she love me? What the fuck does she see in me that's so fantastic that she loves me for it? Why don't I see it or live it?


Is there something clinically wrong with me? I'm always like this with bouts of happiness occasionally. Seriously am I clinically depressed or something, do I have some mental disorder, a ducking chemical imbalance? I am alone in this level of self hate. Why? What's wrong with me?

Ugh... I'm just... Done. Well, I'm just going to return to breathing to death... Later...

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Pumpkin Time!

So here's my pumpkin I carved up this year. A lovely Assassins Creed pumpkin if I do say so myself. Took awhile however. =/ but I think it was worth it in the end. Anyways, here it is. You decide for yourself how it is. Just a picture with the candle on in the dark.



Friday, October 18, 2013

Small Town Racism

Noteworthy moment of the day: the school spirit day was black out day. Every aspect of school seemed to reflect it. Many people wore black, the bells played "Back in Black" all day, aaaand most importantly lunch was chicken and waffles. Thanks for the hate crime rural Oregon. =P

Thursday, October 17, 2013

The most interesting part of dressing up is dressing down. You watch yourself become less and less attractive, revealing that despite what others tell you, you are in fact unattractive. Another body waiting to be burried, just like the rest of the living.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Glad0s

I'm at an interesting point in my life. I've always loved Glados's voice, I simply adore it. However, now I've come to the realization that the only voice I love more is my girlfriends. The problem is, the difference in adoration between the two is very small. Which bothers me a little. But hey, cake!

Monday, October 14, 2013

It's interesting to me that if we indulge in our primitive desires, it's frowned upon.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

My Box

Music- Boom goes the bass

Boom boom boom goes the bass. The louder it is the quieter the rest of the world gets, and the less you’re here and the more you’re there. You embody the feelings in the songs, you live it somehow. It’s an interesting mechanism; I could stay up all night playing with the idea. I mean really, simply hearing something changes your mood and your attitude, it breathes new ideas and memories you didn’t live into you. Music man. And not the musical either. Simply the feeling of music changes things, the way it feels as it presses air waves against your body and soul. It feels. Physically, spiritually, chemically. You can feel it touch your ears and play with them, or feel the bass press on your body, vibrating your blood. You could also have spiritual ties to it, be it in a church or a club. It feels, it unlocks things in you that were never there. It’s the party, it’s the congregation. It’s a spiritual feeling. Freedom as you turn it up and leave this world for just a moment. It even releases chemicals, puts you into a euphoric state of bliss. Music. Sounds. Memories. Life. Incredible.
Maybe Heaven is just another type of Hell.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Whenever someone asks what's wrong I say I'm tired. I never say what I'm tired of.

Done

I'm so incredibly done with it all. School is ruined. I cannot think of a way or a system to fix it. When I bring I up to my parents they say I'm close minded and when we discuss it I'm "just trying to win an argument." Now they're downstairs and I can hear them talking about me. Dads saying shit about me and how I'm wrong as moms relaying everything I said. Fuck it, I'll embody the attitude they think I have. They think I have this screw it all attitude, and you know what? That's be great about now. Screw them now. They'll come and try to talk to me tonight or soon and I won't have it. I'm done, when I open up to them it causes issues. So forget it. I'll keep to myself and never show a smile to them again. I'll make sure I don't cause anymore issues for them. And that'll be a lot of fun, considering that their son is a broken suicidal. God I just wish I had the courage to slit my wrist! For Christ's sake I've had the knife touching my wrist before and I couldn't do it. When I do it, I'll use a rope in the shop. Away from the house is my dads shop, a garage where he can work essentially. There's rafters there and plenty of rope and room. I can jump off a chair, I know I can do that. It's less scary to me than a knife. and maybe if I do my math right (as if) I'll break my neck instantly. That'll be nice. Finally sent to the last hell I have to endure. There's very few people left who keep me here, that are my reasons for living. They're the reason I don't go. I know spiritually I'm in a bad place and I can't find it in my heart to pray for forgiveness again, I shouldn't be forgiven and know that even Gods mercy and Jesus's blood haven't paid for my sins. I don't have God backing me to stay here. Just a cute girl. She's all I have left. I have no family, no pride, nothing I'm good at, no hobbies, no friends... If you're the sun of your works then I am truly nothing. All I am is a bleeding heart loving a girl who I'll chase away by being me.

Things don't taste anymore and sleep doesn't restore.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Cancer slowly deteriorates a persons physical and mental being over the course of weeks and months, however stupidity deteriorates a being in hours.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Historical Rewrite

So, here's an idea. What if, ages ago when we landed on this continent, we didn't find less advanced natives? What if we landed here and there was a civilization already built, greater than the countries of Europe at the time? Imagine that. What an interesting conflict that would make for the history books. Imagine one of two things happening- The New World destroys The Old World, or The New World enlightens the old, and the world prospers for a bit until war breaks out. Imagine Europe gaining such knowledge from the Natives, and using it later to destroy them. Or to destroy other Europeans. Or, imagine if European explorers continued to send expeditions to The New World, and The New World destroyed them and never let them return. The world really would seem flat then. I mean why else would every ship never return? They fell off the edge of the world of course! It's a fascinating idea if you ask me. And I'm a little surprised it didn't happen actually. Europe was stagnant for years in its advancement due to the Black Plague, the Natives had a chance to advance. But then again, I suppose it wasn't in most of their culture to do such a thing. There were few nations who weren't nomads, and they were more advanced but still... They weren't better than the Europeans.

One last thing. When the Vikings came over and raided Europe ages ago, the Catholic Church believed that they were demons sent to make the people atone for their sins. Imagine what they would think had a vastly superior nation shown up on their shores and taken over everything. The Vikings assaulted, yes, but imagine dominance of all of Europe and eventually Asia due to technology never seen before. It would be startling and would shake the foundation of all religions. And yes I realize this did happen to the Natives here, but it's an interesting twist for us to be destroyed by something we found like that. I would love to see that reality, really. Someone make a movie, I'll watch it.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

ALL THAT MATTERS

My mother came into my room and forcefully started talking to me and pressing her agenda onto me. And like usual when I call her on pushing that agenda she gets pissed. Later we talked about school and she said something that I know is wrong, but I can't nail down a specific reason.

"All that matters is getting a good grade"

It's outrageous. So much more matters. And where will that good grade take you in life? What if you have diplomas and PhDs and certificates showing how smart you are, but you can't get a job. Or if you can't talk to people because of social awkwardness, and you live a sad lonely life. 

"All that matters is getting a good grade"

It entirely rules our happiness. Joy is no longer part of the equation. You're just a machine, a mechanism bred to learn and do. You are not meant to be happy. However, you may be entertained by the TV sitcoms and late night talk shows, that's acceptable. However you are not allowed to be happy.

"All that matters is getting good grades"

It's absurd. It's insane. It's allowing only one part of a human to live. It's killing off all that makes us unique and individuals, and turning us into a husk marked by a grade, a quality. And don't forget the manufacturing date, class of 2015, the day you were finished being processed into a living corpse created to only use your man-made quality to run the world with your predecessors ashes.

"All that matters is getting a good grade"

Why? What happened before grades? Was everything pointless? It's a fictitious thing, it's a false category, a lie to categorize and discriminate humans so that they may be put into their appropriate graves, the right places of employment. It's sickening to know that my own mother has bought into and wholly believes in this fake system. And unnatural wonder, the wool pulled over America like a blanket to make it feel safe at night, the blinders on the racehorse being ran to death for the glory of those on top. It's sickening.

"All that matters is getting good grades"

I'm going to be up late tonight contemplating the thousands of ways this is so untrue. However if I speak the truth I'll be in trouble, because I'll pull off the wool over her eyes and show her an unfamiliar world that she doesn't like. The real monsters are right in front of you after all.

Unbelievable.

Twisted Inside

Ugh... I need to go help out these people build an airplane, and I didn't go last Saturday. Now they called and asked why I wasn't there, and hung up on me towards the end. I just... I feel pretty low and bad. But it's going to be impossible to do it this Saturday, and they need me there. It'll only get worse... Everything will, I'm sure.

From here, my life will start to descent into a terrifyingly horrible state... Things will only get worse and here is the start. I have a feeling my girlfriend will begin getting angry and or sad soon, which will in turn hurt me. My family life is hellish at times, and it'll only get worse this weekend... I brought up the fact that I aced a math test, which was a mistake. My mom will soon look at my grades and ground me because they're not perfect. I just shouldn't even try. And for the most part I don't anymore, because no matter how hard I try it won't be enough for them. Or anyone else. I'm an inferior waste. Just as well, my relationship with God seems to be suffering, which opens a whole new book on things to be sad/upset about.

As soon as my girlfriend gets pissed over me or her family soon, I won't have anything left. My few friends have crumbled and failed me. I can't trust them anymore. I can't focus on her like I'd like to then. All I'll have is video games and sin, and doing too much of either makes me feel like a pretty shitty person. I don't have any talents or loving family or good friends. What can I focus on? What do I have? What will occupy me until I rot away in death? 

Perhaps nothing. Perhaps I'll look at the walls of my tomb that my parents call me room. Perhaps I'll put on coats before school as a mummy puts on goss. Perhaps I'll find ways to disappoint people, as the dead tend to do. I'm almost dead to the world already.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Broken Streak

Oh my goodness... My father said "I love you, goodnight." An I love you. Well, thats new. On another unrelated note, he's pretty drunk tonight.

The Breakfast Club

It's weird to have no one to relate to in a movie that's built upon showing all the archetypes and human relations. Nada.

Sick Day

I couldn't bear to go to school today so I faked a sick day. And I am somewhat sick. But really, I'm wondering if it was a good choice. Because now I am left to my thoughts all day and have parents who keep bugging me and perhaps unknowingly attacking me mentally. I'm going to go insane, if I'm not there already. And I won't go to school because that's much worse, that makes me feel like- no it shows me that I am a terrible waste of life.

I'm beginning to think I have no place left in this world. My home is a sad place of persecution and loneliness, the school attacks my every effort and tells me I'm terrible, and even the church reminds me that I am a terrible sinner and deserve a terrible fate. Luckily, a redemption that I don't deserve keeps me from that fate. Perhaps I want the fate I deserve. I don't know what to think anymore, and I don't know how to keep  the bad thoughts out.

Even my dear girlfriends house is beginning to scare me. I'm so afraid I'll overstep my bounds somehow and piss off her parents or somehow piss her off or anything of the sort. I'd say I feel like I'm walking through a minefield in life, but that's not entirely accurate. More like walking on broken glass, because every step I'm bound to get hurt.

But I must continue getting hurt, because I must keep walking, because I must keep living for some reason unknown to me. The only reason I haven't driven far away and burned all my stuff or just offed myself is because theres a select few people who might actually miss me. However in time they'll begin to dislike me as much as I do... Then I can go.