Monday, April 29, 2013

Truth Behind Jokes

There's a little bit of truth behind every joke.

A little get together

Last Saturday a few friends of mine and my girly person all came to my house so we could have a little fire and harken in summer. We have about 36 days until the school year is over, and the weather is finally nice enough to get together.

It was just the four of us. Bryan-the guitar guy at the party, Bree-the race card, my girl-the apple of my eye, and myself- the most charming guy there. We roasted marshmallows, sang and played guitar, told stories, and enjoyed the night. It was a taste of the summer to come, a summer that will be one of the best yet! 32 days until then, 25 days of school. We are nearly there...

Reason for living

Why do we wake up every morning, and roll out of bed? Why do we continue living when we will inevitably die? We wake up every morning with some reason for living. What is it?

Is it a desperate hope for becoming something someday, someone important ? A desperate hope in your subconscious for that? Perhaps. It's very possible.

Maybe it's an urge for creating something, a family, art, something new.

For children it's chasing pleasure. They live for the pleasure of fun and joy, and do all they can to avoid pain.

There's a million reasons people have for living. However at times I question what reason I have for living. Why do I live? Why am I continuing my life? What am I marching towards? This isn't my suicide note, but I often wonder why... Do I live to worship God? As noble as that is, certainly not. I'm no priest. I love God, I'd die on the cross with Jesus given the opportunity, however my life certainly doesn't reflect the will of God. Not always at least. Then am I like a child, simply trying to avoid pain and get as much pleasure out of this life? Through whatever means possible? No, that's not my reason for living. I don't wake up and say "lets get laid!" Or "I'll get up so I can eat!" Or anything of the sorts. No, pleasure isn't my reason for living. Is it for my family? Sadly no. My friends? No. I don't like most of them. Is it for my lady friend? That's very possible. When I wake up, she's one of the first things I think about. If she is my reason for living, then how did I live before I met her? I think she's my reason for living now- I live to see her smile and enjoy her company. As cheesy as that sounds, everything else seems just like waiting. =/ But before that before I met her, what was my reason for living? For awhile it was pleasure... In fact I think it was always about pleasure or knowledge. I lived for the pleasure of jokes and feeling, and avoided the pains of mockery and heartbreak. I supplemented it with ideas, thoughts, lectures... That was my reason for living then, pleasure and knowledge. Now it's my girl, being with her and making her life better. Thank goodness I could figure this all out...

Friday, April 26, 2013


One of our Mars rovers happened to make a giant penis "on accident"

Our tax dollars hard at work.

I just love life sometimes.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

A Weapon Used To Kill God

"This is a weapon. A weapon used to kill God!" -King Charles Lee Britannia

A weapon used to kill God... A very powerful statement. I have no ambitions of doing so, and I don't personally think it can be done. Not with a weapon at least. But what if you killed every Muslim and destroyed all their sacred text and any evidence that they ever existed? Everything! Would that kill Allah? Or what if you did the same to Christians? Would that kill God? Or what about the Hindus and all their Gods? Erasing them, would it kill their Gods? Would it even be possible to exterminate such a thing, a people and all evidence? Or would the true God stop such a thing from getting to that point? Or would he let his people die and start anew?

I am Christian myself. I don't believe Allah or any of the Hindu gods exist. However, for the sake of this idea it's interesting to play with them in such a way.

God was here before all of this. So even if you leveled the world with nukes, destroying all human and animal life alike, God would still exist and live on. If he could live before us, he could live without us. Yes, I imagine he would be heartbroken. All of his children, all of the people he loved would be dead... With that in mind, I don't think he would allow us to nuke the whole world. But even destroying all of us couldn't kill God.

So truly, as powerful as "a weapon to kill God" sounds, it's a false statement. There is nothing that could kill our God. Nothing powerful enough to harm him. Nothing he would allow us to do to each other would harm him. He is God, the immortal caretaker of us all. I can't dream of why you'd want to kill someone as magnificent and loving as him, and I can't imagine you could even if you wanted to.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013


What's the difference between lying and imagining? Are fiction authors stories just lies that earn them cash? Does that make them evil or creative?

Where do we draw the line between following the Bible to the letter, and living a 21st century life? Should we stone gays? Adulteresses? It tells us to, but obviously we can't in this age. So where do we draw that line?

Should we trust people? Should we become solitary? Trusting people leaves you exposed and vulnerable, easy to destroy. So why would you ever give someone the opportunity to hurt you? But at the same time, we are social creatures. We need to talk, communicate, and develop relationships with others. It's in our nature. So which way is right?

Is murder wrong? What about killing evil people like terrorists? Is murdering a murderer bad? It's still killing someone, why would it be different?

Why do people hurt each other?

Why would someone kill themselves, and leave everyone they know behind? Leave them to clean up after their selfish actions? Why?

Is acting on stage lying?

What is love? A chemical reaction? Compassion? Memories soaked in emotion and wrapped tight around dreams? Love is a good thing, but why is it good? Where is the line between love and infatuation? Not just with lovers, but with friends and family. What, where, why..?

So many questions. I have to ask myself what God thinks. He is the judge, not us. With some luck and the Holy Spirit, I should find all of my answers.

Code Geass

I'm falling in love with this anime all over again. Easily the best anime ever. Of all time.

Failure is a blessing in disguise.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Theater Life

Today is the day! Today is opening night for the play I'm in, Twelfth Night, by Shakespeare. It's a lovely play, I've really enjoyed the experience. I have minor rolls, but it's still fun. Sure I've had my moments where I've gone "I'm never doing this again! Ever! I am so stupid for even thinking this would be fun!" Actually, I've had many of those moments. But I'll try and keep with it. Theater is pretty fun, there's not really anywhere else you can actually have input and an impact on something larger like that.

Also I'm putting on a play next week for some grade schoolers. They have an author coming to their school, so we adapted a play from one of her books. It's going to be great!

Hopefully everything goes well with all of this. I'm super stressed just watching my girly person muddle through everything. She's stressed from being a Prop Head in the play, not to mention everything else going on in her life. I hate to see her like this but... I can't come up with anything to help. I'm powerless.


My girls best friend in the whole world is moving to Texas very soon. We all knew her friend would move there someday, but we all figured it was going to be next year. Unfortunately, her parents decided to do it on this upcoming Monday instead... So I'm upset, and my girl is destroyed, and I don't know how her friend is doing... It's going to be a rough couple weeks... Or months, for everyone.

Monday, April 15, 2013


What am I doing? I kissed her. Why would I do that? We said we wouldn't- we set up guidelines! Is it right? Is it so wrong? In that moment, were my intentions pure? Was I no better than any other guy on the street? No.

She deserves better than that. She deserves a man who can conquer his urges, smother such thoughts so they never get a chance to see the light of day. If I can't play by these guidelines that we set now, what on earth makes me believe I'll play by them later on, when the stakes are higher, when the self satisfaction and near lust of a moment is greater than any other?

Like I said, she deserves better than that. I won't be that dickhead who pleases himself with others through physical means, I won't be that self satisfying pig. I'll be the guy she needs, one who won't get so close to the limits we set, one who will play well inside the lines we set, one who gets absolute satisfaction from our conversations, with no supplemental physical needs. I'll be the guy who relies solely on our conversations, our intellect, our opinions, to fulfill all of my desires, every pleasure.

Right now, hugs and kisses are fantastic, but I'm afraid that they are almost needed, like I'm almost addicted in a way. That's not acceptable.

I love her, especially talking to her whenever I can. I need to shut off these other feelings of physical want, they aren't in our best interest, and they'll do nothing but harm us. I need to focus on the social part even more. When I get a physical want, I need to fill it with conversation or something. It's just not acceptable, I can't let myself fall prey to such primitive human desires of wanting physical affection. It will do nothing but harm us, and that's the last thing I want to do.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Gay Marriage- My Take On It

Ladies and gentlemen, please calm down. Are we really going to fight over this gay marriage thing? Whining about it on Facebook or social media sites does nothing to change the situation, so please just knock it off. If you want to help, start productive conversations here, not just whine.

Look, I really don't care what gay couples do. I really don't. If I'm not mistaken, the bible says strait people get the last laugh. If you want to use the bible to damn them, go ahead. But remember, it's God, not us, who passes judgement and punishment. So don't go out there and abuse gay people, verbally or physically, that's not your job, and in the process you will become a greater evil.

"Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Romans 12:19-21 NIV)

If you must know that something bad will befall them someday, just remember the big man up above is not pleased by what they're doing, and will pass judgement on them someday. But God will also not be pleased if you rejoice every time some tragedy falls upon gay people. Because then, you are becoming evil and hard hearted in the process.

"Do not rejoice when your enemy falls,
And do not let your heart be glad when he stumbles;

Or the LORD will see it and be displeased,
And turn His anger away from him." Proverbs 24:17,18

"And turn His anger away from him" ...and likely onto you my hard hearted friend.

If you still want more than that, to know that gay people suffer here as well as in the next life, then you are part of the problem. Forgive them. If you don't forgive them, how can you expect to be forgiven? Keep in mind, we are all broken sinners.

"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Matthew 6:14, 15 ESV)

Forgive them, and if you must see gay people punished, be content that they are damned in the next life.

Now, onto the topic of marriage. As I'm sure we are all aware, the bible says man and woman should be married. There's a million references to this, but here's an early one.

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." (Genesis 2:24 ESV)

Marriage is when a man and a woman are united in a partnership that will last forever. It was created for man and woman by God. As far as where gay people fit into this, they shouldn't be married. BUT, that shouldn't mean they can't be together or shouldn't have some kind of partnership, in my opinion. MARRIAGE should be reserved for man and woman. If gay couples want to be together, go for it, it's your life, just don't get married.

You can't say you want to get married if you're a gay couple for religious reasons, because that's not what marriages are for. It's for man and woman to be joined together by God. Not for man and man or woman and woman. You can't possibly play the religious reasons card there. That's not what marriage is for. That's like using a screwdriver to change the TV channel, that's just not what it's used for, that's not its purpose.

Also the same can be said with gay sex. God created sex between man and woman to be able to show each other the same kind of love that God can show us. Not for emotional, sexual, and physical relief, but to show each other that kind of love. That love that God shows us, he has given it to man and woman in their sexual interactions. This is one point that I myself am a little sketchy on, but The Lord hasn't led me astray yet, so why would he lead me astray on this subject? He is the truth after all.

Bottom line, don't harm gay people, because you are becoming a greater evil in the process. If you must know a tragedy will befall gay people, just know that God will someday judge them. That should be enough for you, and if it's not, then you're a hard hearted person who is a bigger problem. As far as marriages, I don't believe gay people should get married. That's not what marriage is for, it's for the union of man and woman. Marrying the same sex people is not the purpose of marriage. I'm sorry, but that's the truth.

Now please, I insist that you comment in the comments. Lets start a productive conversation about this. Lets just get out if each others way for one second, and do some productive thinking and communicating on this subject. Please.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

In Shines The Sun

The quiet battle in my head is just about over. Sanity has come out on top.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

As The Mist Begins To Clear

Slowly I'm figuring my head out. I haven't silenced all the fears and destructive thoughts yet, but I'm getting there. Most of them are gone, except the thought that I am the same as her Ex, so I will end up like him.

She says "if I prepare for it to end, then it probably will." And I agree. But my subconscious is driving me insane, whispering all day and night that I will end up like that bastard. That's the major demon I'm struggling with at the moment. Perhaps I'll just give in to the thought and stop denying the facts, and then just wait until she figures out I'm the same as him, just with a different face.

Perhaps I'll do that, or perhaps I'll talk to her about it. If I do, I'm sure she'll cure me of this destructive thought process- she has before. But at the same time, I'm not sure when to bring it up, or if she'll think less of me for being so insecure. I mean really, things are going great right now, there's no reason for me to be getting down at all. About anything.

I mean she came over tonight for a study date and it was lovely. There were a million times when I sat there thinking we are a very unique and perfect couple, everything I could ask for and more. After that, I can shut off nearly every fear I have. I know she's not going to leave me anytime soon, in fact I think she'll do everything she can to stay with me. So why do I still have this fear?

Is it because her ex once had that same belief? Because she's probably said the same things to him as to me? Because why? Why am I so afraid that every promise of our future will come crumbling down simply because I believe I share some common traits with some guy she broke up with? It's so silly! And yet it's there, drawing my mind away from enjoying life, and into fearing it and holding onto every second with her I have.

Monday, April 8, 2013

The Whirligig

There's a few things I've noticed lately that are small, but really really bug me. It's really starting to mess with my head.

One of the bigger ones is realizing I am incredibly similar to my girls Ex. It prompts ideas like "how are you different from that doush who broke her heart?" And "if you're this similar, why would it work out for you?" These ideas and thoughts have ravaged my mind lately.

Another horrific idea is how long do I have before the love of my life leaves me? A year? Two? A few months? 80 years at the hands of death? It's an idea that just gets really depressing, and leads to thoughts like her cheating or us fighting and leaving... I can't see us do that anytime soon, things are perfect, so why would I have those thoughts? That's another one that's driving me mad.

Where's my life going? How will I feed myself someday? Where will I live? Work? Will I enjoy life? And if not whats the point of living? Why stay around? Will my love life work out as I hope and pray? What's Gods plan for me? A shining example of a Christian, or a fallen example of what can happen if The Commandments and his word are not upheld?

Just a lot of worrying and spinning around in my head, starting over when the cycle ends. I want it to stop. I know it doesn't help anything at all. It just stresses me out and makes me hate my life, hate this wonderful life that I've been provided. I desperately need it to stop it.

Maybe Someday

Maybe someday I'll just be a memory- a phantom roaming in the forgotten corners of your mind.

Maybe someday I'll be your enemy- your love for me changing to become a love of hating me.

Maybe someday you'll take everything you said back- every I love you and kiss goodbye will turn to tears of broken glass.

Maybe someday you'll leave me- because I am no different than the last, the same sad story with a different face.

Maybe someday you'll break my heart, but maybe someday doesn't have to come so soon.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Another Blender Project

Yup yup yup, I've got another Blender project going. I've decided to make a kitchen this time, because there's a ton of objects you can model in a kitchen. Here's one of the first renderings of what I'm working with. Very basic, but it'll give you an idea. Enjoy!

Friday, April 5, 2013

My Old Spore Art

Back in the day, I played a lot of Spore. In it's editors, I made a lot of art with some of the building modes. I thought you'd like to take a look at some of my work. My screen name was Swampmutt, and I don't mean to brag but I got featured once. =) Enjoy!

Adrift in Unfamiliar Waters

It's one of those weird days where I'm not tired, but I'm not awake either. I'm not really here right now, my mind is just kind of lost, lost in the sea of possibilities and the what ifs in life. Just deeply questioning how much an instant can mean, and what it's effects are, short and long term. How many of these instants are there in a day that we don't notice? I'm in a deep, almost depressed mood because of thoughts like these. It's kind of interesting, because along with all of this deep lostness, I am also rather irritable today for no good reason.

I'm really wondering why, and I really hope it's not because I'm coming off one of the greatest natural highs in my life. I really really hope it's just a mood and not me coming off a natural high of affection and love. Because if this is the end result of affection, I'd rather stay away from it entirely. I fear that's what this feeling is, me crashing, but maybe it's just a mood that will be gone after I spend some time at The Well, our little downtown coffee shop.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

An afternoon in a flower patch.

Most likely the best hour of my life so far. If not, it's certainly in the top 5.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

We are coming to you live from the 1940's!

I may have found the greatest thing since sliced bread. Old 40's radio recordings. I've been listening to old radio news and radio dramas, which are essentially what TV was before TV. It's amazing to hear these old news stories, or to hear these old dramas, airing for the first time again. To put in perspective how amazing the radio and the people were back then, keep in mind that very few Americans actually saw a picture of Hitler, they just had to make up an image of him in their head. The radio did such a good job of describing him, that most people had the same idea of what he looked like. Frighteningly enough, that was the same for our presidents too, very few saw their pictures.

They even have commercials in these broadcasts, which is amazing because they're either a commercial for a company that's been dead for years, a commercial advertising something 'new' thats very common or old these days, or a commercial for zeppelin ride vacations. Amazing pieces of history, captured and preserved. The commercials are so short as well, it's very content based programs.

At the beginning of many of these programs, there's a similar disclaimer where a broadcaster says something like "this program will be interrupted for any important invasion news flashes" Wow, just a completely different time, a different era. That was a daily thing, a normal thing to hear. Our war in Iraq is (if I'm not mistaken) the longest lasting war in our history, and I never heard anything remotely like that on TV, on the radio, anywhere. But you would get programs interrupted if any important things happened on the front lines. It was a different world, a more United States.

Maybe in a past life I was a mobster who died in the 40's, because I live for this stuff. The clothes, the cars, the styles, the way information was spread, the communities, the people. It's amazing that we somehow stopped living like that, stopped living such an incredible life.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Bad idea for Catholic Churches

I've decided the worst place ever to make out with someone is in a Catholic Church. I firmly believe the worst place to make out with someone would be in a confessional booth at a Catholic Church. That's up there on the list if nothing else. Maybe on the actual alter would be worse, but making out in a confessional booth is pretty bad... This is what I thought about in the shower, like the philosopher that I am, this of all places is where my mind took me. Catholic Churches, then to bad places to make out at Catholic Churches. Realistically, everywhere in a Catholic Church is a bad place to make out, it's the house of God for crying out loud! I'm amazed I even started thinking about this, but here I am!

I'm probably going to hell for this. My odds are ever increasing.