Saturday, November 30, 2013
Thursday, November 28, 2013
I landed on the Mun! However, while my Kerbal was leaving his spaceship to plant a flag, the poorly built shuttle fell over. Oops... it was entirely intact however, just 100% useless. Thankfully, the Kerbal survived, and managed to plant a flag on the Mun. So there's that. I'm leaving the knocked over shuttle there as a reminder, and I'm sending a more adiquate lander on a rescue mission. That or I'll send a station and keep several Kerbal on the Mun. We'll see.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Sunday, November 24, 2013
These last few days have been great, amazing in fact. Ive been able to control these stupid depressed thoughts for the most part. Yesterday I fell into a bit of a rut, but I was battling time itself and I was losing pretty badly. All in all things are looking up and up.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Life's been interesting. The play is over and I've come to the realization that I have a lot of work to do in school. I may not be able to physically get an A in an AP class anymore, and I have one thing missing from nearly every class. I'm sick tonight, it's been a feverish thing that's getting better then worse. One step forward two back. My family just lives in the same house. Spiritually I'm just weird. I'm awkward even in the eyes of The Lord. =P My girlfriend and I are good but I have a weird feeling about us, like something's so wrong and will explode soon. But I don't know what it is. I should probably just delete this. It's stupid. I'm venting something so pathetic. I'm fed and live in a first world country. I have a bed and a iPhone. Things are good relatively speaking. I should just suck it up and get on with life. The problem Is I used to be able to do that. I was cold and calculating, emotionless. Without love. I've thought I could never go back many times before, but I'm not so sure anymore. Maybe it's what I need to do to coincide with the world. Just give up myself and become a perfect servant. I mean The Lord says we should be servants. Where's the line between servant and slave though? Is there a line? Should we be enslaved to the world save our faith? I think the book of Daniel has some answers there. Should I harden my heart and commit mental suicide, or should I go on with life as is, a soft failure trying to do good but failing and always hurting? Trying to succeed but being told I'm not good enough, and how I need to do better but I'm the only one who knows how to make myself better when I clearly don't... Why why why why. Why am I a weak spiraling person? I was once a fucking heart of stone and a body of steel, I could handle whatever the fuck the world threw at me and only said is that all you've got? What happened? Can I go back? Was I just ignorant? I don't know. Is going back right? Will it help? Can I catch up and succeed like I am? I don't know. I don't.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Friday, November 8, 2013
It seems I have no control in my life. I started dieting a few days ago because- hey, I can lose some fat. According to tests at school, I have 16.5% body fat, about 25 lbs of fat in all. Well, I can lower that down a bit now can't I? I'd like to get that down to around 20 lbs of fat, give or take a pound. And I was going to do it via self control and counting calories rather than working out. Work smart not hard my dad says. Well, I've been doing the diet for a few days and it was already showing results, I lost some weight, some fat. I came home from rehearsals today, where I contractually have no control of my life, to a house full of sweets and goodies. I had already faced pizza today and had to decide how much to eat, but because of that I didn't have a whole lot of extra calories I could eat today. So the goodies were a tempting no. I complained to my mom in a joking manner, saying it's not fair that I go on a diet and she fills the house with fatty sweets! She replied with "why are you on a diet? No. You're not allowed to diet." Then she brought my dad into it and they got really mad at me for trying to lose weight. I felt pretty rejected. Then they made me eat. Eat noodles, carb filled noodles. They implied that I'd be in trouble, having who knows what taken from me if I didn't eat. I can't even lose weight if I want... I have no control. My mom said I have to start swimming again if I want to lose weight, and I told her that takes a lot of work and money, dieting just takes self control and saves you money. Then she called me super lazy and told me I wouldn't get anywhere in life if I was this lazy.
So there it is. I have no control over my life. I guess people can just use me... Others know best right? Right? Because I must not know anything. If I knew something or could do something, I'd have some control over my life right?
So, the end outcome is I'll just shut my stupid mouth at home, and just get in my room away from them as soon as possible. Escape. Desperately hiding. Anything to get away and maybe give me a sense of free will, the feeling that I'm not a pawn on a board or a train bound to it's tracks. Silence in my cage of a room, it's my escape of all things.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Wooo! I have a 4 day weekend this week! This usually means lots of relaxation and time with friends, but this week it means... TECH! That's right ladies and gentlemen, from 8 AM to 6 PM every day save Sunday, I will be working the lights for our play! What a wonderful way to spend me 4 day weekend. =) At least Sunday I'll get to see my darling girlfriend, which will really perk me up. Perhaps on Sunday after church she will be able to come to my house and we can spend time doing who knows what. Having fun, watching a movie, cuddling, the sky is the limit! For now, I'm in my room texting that lovely lady while sending rocket ships here and there on Kerbal Space Program. Life's pretty good right now.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Well shoot darn rascal, I haven't posted in awhile! Sorry guys, I've been busy with a play and all the technical aspects that go along with that. Any spare time I have is spent keeping myself sane with mind numbing and entertaining games or activities. No, that doesn't mean drugs, unfortunately. I am the fortunate unhappy in that sense. Or something like that. Shakespeare. Could be anything really. Aside from theater, le girlfriend is amazing, and school sucks. AP classes are hard, school is still school, and air is still breathable. Nothing has really changed. Anyways, back to the insanity found within the walls of my life. =)