Monday, September 30, 2013
It's a new feeling... You know when you hurt in your heart? It hurts and it's a sudden pulse of sadness in your chest. Now... Now it's different. Now where it normally hurts is numb, but it's radiated outward and is surrounding where it should hurt. It's like a large sphere surrounding my heart. Instead of my heart hurting, my collarbone and ribs do, my whole chest except the core. They take that pulsing emotional pain since my heart no longer can. Dramatic? Yes. True? Yes.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
It amazes me, that all the love an compassion humans can have for one another can be completely be turned around. The phrase "I'm leaving you" would turn every good memory sour. "I hate you" can cause fury and sadness in a second, after months or years of a good relationship. This love we depend on, is oh so fragile. It can be broken easier than glass and crushed like a daisy underfoot. That's frightening to me, that we as humans are like that. That higher levels of feeling are so fragile, and contort into something full of malice.
It also amazes me how a moment of pure calm or quiet can be totally disrupted and destroyed by other people. You would think more people would increase peace and forward productive thinking, but alas it doesn't. More people means more chaos. How fallen we are... That other humans are worse for us. You'd think collectively we would be better, for putting our heads together at least. But that's not how it works. The more people there are, the more chaotic a situation gets. A calm moment with quiet philosophical thinking can be shattered by new people so easily.
Higher thinking is more fragile than glass. And higher level feelings cut deeper than it.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Friday, September 27, 2013
So, I think I scared my math teacher today. It's a hard math class, and most of the people joke about suicide pacts when no one understands. It's almost a greeting at this point it's so common. Just as well, recently I've been talking to a few Mormon friends looking at different world views. It's rather interesting to see another outlook on Christianity, even though I don't share in some of their beliefs. Now, after class I come up to Mr Rosey and ask what his religious view is on suicide. We have a brief chat about it, it's what I expected, but as we finish up my math teacher comes over and greets me with a fake smile, and assures me that she can help me before or after school tomorrow, she would even skip lunch to help me with my short comings. The problem is, I don't believe she has another way to teach it, let alone one that would help me understand. Anyhow, I think she thought I was suicidal or something, she must have overheard us talking and assumed our suicide pacts were real. I admire her concern, but it was still a bit funny to me how she suddenly jumped to my rescue...
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
Well today was a shit-tastic day. Overslept to begin with, but made it to class on time. First period didn't let us out on time, in fact, we only heard the bell that started the next period. So I was late to my second period class. In second period, we had to do a research paper. We went to the library to use the computers- and wouldn't you know it all the computers were taken. I had to go use an old computer in a corner somewhere, that was perched on a desk so perfectly placed that no chair would seat you in front of it. So I stood there and dealt with this older slower computer until it gave me some information that seemed to revolved around psychology. Then I found out I looked up the wrong thing. But the class period was over by then. Next period, I just barely make it in on time, and near the end of the period I get my phone taken away. We had finished a test, which I'm unsure of now, and we had been left with nothing to do. So, I was doing research for my second period psychology class on it. Aaaand my phone was taken away. Fuck trying I guess. I got it back at the end of the class, but my super anal and high strung liberal teacher said she would put me in in school suspension if she saw it or heard it ever again. So fuck me. Then onto third, where I had a little pick me up. The cute blonde I call my girlfriend managed to pick me up a little. We joked and chatted and laughed at the fact that she gave me a small black eye yesterday, just below my eyebrow and just barely toughing my eyelid. Its big, but the shadow of my upper eye covers it for the most part. We laughed, until we got our assignment. Then I was suddenly out of ideas or things to think up. So, onto lunch eventually. I had lunch with her in my car, as it was too wet and yucky outside. I gave her a massage, we cuddled, we may or may not have kissed a few times, it was fantastic. Highlight of my day, I don't know what I'd do without her. Then onto AP English, 5th period. I forgot about the SA we had to write, so I lied to the teacher and said it was on Google Docs, to which he said go print it out. I somehow managed to save it and was able to write it in the library after school and turn it in to him with no drawbacks or suspicions that the paper wasn't done when I walked into his class today. Then 6th period, the dreaded pre-calculus. That class just beats me down at my core. It shows me that I am a failure destined to lose everything. It makes me feel like I wont ever get a job, a good house, or ever have a good family. It makes everything good in the world disappear. It invalidates everything in my life. After that hell was over, and I was feeling destroyed and empty, I went to Spanish. There, I was destroyed even further. At one point I was drawing on my wrist with a pencil trying to make the led stick to my skin... But it ended up just getting red and hurt. The scary part was, I kind of liked it. I am trying my best to deny it and not think about it but... Anyways, after experiencing 5 or 6 levels of hell at school, I went home- or tried to at least. I did try and meet up with some theater friends before I went, but it became a wild goose chase that left me feeling hurt. So I went home and drowned my sorrows in ice cream and Oreos- together of course. From there I played Skyrim to calm my nerves, as if it were smoking, and then my evening progressed further into dismay. My Dad came home pissed, angry at the world. The house was a bit messy, which fueled his rage. He was so angry, I didn't want to be around it. I went upstairs eventually, but as soon as I did I was called back down. My Moms van broke down, she drained the battery because she wanted to listen to the radio while watching my sisters practice soccer I guess. Whatever, she knows that kills the battery. So, my Dad had already had a few drinks to calm his nerves (liquid Skyrim, otherwise known as Jack & Coke) so I had to drive to the soccer fields with my dad to try and get the van running again. We eventually got it running, but it took a lot of effort and it exposed some issues with my car. My Dad almost took it away, because it could stop working at any time, but instead we went and fixed it up after we got home. That took some time and effort that I had hoped to spend elsewhere. So, this long frustrating day is coming to an end. My sisters are in bed, they didn't come to say goodnight or that they love me. I likely wont see my parents again tonight, they're downstairs and wont come upstairs unless its necessary, like putting the girls to bed. They were up here then, but they didn't come see me. Another thing to make the hurt hurt a little more. Today was a shit day. I'll wake up tomorrow and hope for better however. Maybe not tomorrow, but someday things will be better. I hold faith in that close to my heart, I just hope that doesn't ever fade... Because I need that hope. I need it. More than I need anything and everything else in this world. Someday, someday things wont be this shit-tastic. Someday...
Sunday, September 22, 2013
We love in an interesting culture, a very flawed one because of two major things. Yes thee are many more but these are two major walks we have built between each other.
1. Lack of sharing. Imagine all the tools people have. I know several people who have their own table saws and what not. Everyone has a drill it seems like. Here in this town, quite a few people have their pen tractors. Their own fishing poles. Their own guns. All these industrious things are owned by one person. We have so many duplicates of things that usually sit unused. If say we bad a building in towns everywhere that just provided equipment for free, a sharing system, there would be less tools and what not in everyone's houses and more use out of existing tools. Big community buildings for sharing tools, libraries that are focused more on community, single buildings used for feeding whole towns. A tight knit community. Something like this would eliminate kitchens in houses, and so many other things that can be provided by everyone. However, it can only work on a small scale sadly. However a community based on sharing everything would be interesting.
2. Money. Money has caused strife and fighting for ages. Without values for things and having a communist like level of sharing in a community, things would be easy. Imagine not one family working to provide for themselves, but a community constantly building itself up. Building new buildings to provide for the growing community because they need it, not because they can afford it. Building things in a community not based off money, but based off materials available to an area. I would love to see thisinsane amazing community.
However, this can never exist. Corruption and greed will destroy any hope of it. Communism looks good on paper, and what I'm proposing is actually quite similar to communism. But as we know, that doesn't work well...
So, not too long ago we had these people called hipsters. They were completely counter culture and did what made them happy when they wanted. Fun quirky odd people. But as time went on, people saw these hipsters and decided it was the new trend. Now the counter culture is the culture. Everyone is a hipster, so no one is. There was a super villain in the incredibles that tried to make everyone super so no one would be- this is a similar idea. There are sadly very few genuine hipsters In the sea of hipsters now. The real hipsters should be businessmen in theory. Now a days, there are very few hipsters, but people strive towards this idea of a hipster. They started looking and working towards these quirky people, now they work towards this idea of the counter culture manipulated by, and into, the culture. It's an interesting to me.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Being completely and totally alone is an intriguing idea to me. When someone says "could you be alone" referencing dating relationships, I would like to say no. I'm not that independent sadly, I need a partner to help me face this world, the others in it. I need someone. However, if I was completely alone, every last man woman and child on the planet just turned to ashes, I could do that. The persecution and prying eyes of the people around me scares me more than the natural world itself. I need someone with me, someone to give me a glimmer of acceptance in this social culture. I really need that desperately sometimes. However if that social culture is gone, that burden is no longer laid on me, then I'm free and happy. I could live in a world completely alone, never to utter another word again. To walk a landscape that's being reborn and recovering from the plague of humans. It's a beautiful thought. A fictional one, but we all need our own little worlds sometimes.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Monday, September 16, 2013
Saturday, September 14, 2013
That's awkward moment when you're fearlessly walking through the dark halls of your house, and you run face first into a door you thought was open. Yeah... Just yeah... Topping off the awkward tanks for today, aaaand going to bed.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
I was having a pretty great day till he came along. Now my day's dark and grumpy. Why is it so easy to belittle everything I've done in the last 4 months? It's all just been called worthless and I believe it. Fuck it all... Nothing left to do but move on and take another scar along with.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Today I was going to audition for a play. The music man. They really needed me, maybe. =P but in the end I bailed and didn't audition. I showed up, then left after I realized it's not what I wanted. Fantastic decision in my mind. I'm relieved. I'm happier. And that's what matters right?
I have no remorse about doing what I did, but it's made me wonder if it was selfish. It must be on a small level at least, but how bad is it? Doing something for your own happiness, something against what was needed, is it selfish... In which case if it's yes it brings up many questions about the selfishness of people and it also makes me wonder about happiness. Whatever. Just an idea. I have no regret about leaving those auditions. People will harass me about it tomorrow, and perhaps that will make me feel bad, but I think it was a good decision.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Back to it... Back into those doors, the factory that is school. Coldly changing and analyzing children, driving them insane. It amazes me that you can turn something as beautiful as learning into something so unpleasant and dreadful... But so is the trend of this masked age of suffering.
Goodbye loving summer, perhaps we will meet again. Hello cold calculating winter. I missed the sting of your bite on my soul.
Monday, September 2, 2013
I wonder if there's a land without light somewhere. Pitch black, utter silence, a place where even God wouldn't cast a light on. A place so dark and forbodding that nothing can exist there. Somewhere damp and cold. A world that appears nothing more than a cavern at it's surface. A world where everything indistinguishable, consumed by the darkness. Where fire cannot exist. Where light itself is something alien and scary. Where the stars at night are blocked out by a veil of black. Does this place exist I wonder... If not in the universe, then in our minds?