Turns out you can get those exact same symptoms from quick, intense exercise. For a moment I considered the possibility of a stroke, but nope! In the end I decided I was just a total pussy! I just did my nightly exercises, but much quicker than normal. Turns out, my body thought I was trying to kill it.
In the end it punished me. Just as I finished this post I desperately had to throw up. Exercise never pays!