Ok, so, hell. Lately I've been thinking about my sins, and the forgiveness of sins and how far that goes. It's been rattling around in my head for weeks, but recently something happened that did two things simultaneously. One, it blocked out most of those thoughts. I haven't really thought about it the last couple days, haven't cared, my mind has been elsewhere. But the other thing it did was give me a much bigger reason to fear my sins, a new sin, have me repent. I haven't nailed myself to the cross yet, but that might be because I'm in a sort of a daze after what happened. I'll know eventually I suppose. =P I don't want to come down from this cloud 9, because it's so lovely, but also I'm a little afraid I'll hate myself looking back at how I got there, or I'll have regrets... Not worried yet, I'm just so happy right now but... In a sleepy state I do wonder a little how it'll all turn out and how I'll see this weeks from now. Ugh this is just turning into late night babbling. Enjoy the unfiltered and unfinished thoughts coming from my mind.
But, to tie it all together. Tonight's lesson from R.C was about Hell, and how much worse it was than we can imagine and how we arrive at such a place and how we wish it were just a lake of fire. That's all things I like to learn about, how all of it works and is. But I kept applying myself to everything. Because I did this this and this and never changed, and at times had no remorse, no real regret for my sins, where do I stand? I am no saint. I'm not a holy man. I have dedicated a lot if my thoughts simply to silently praying to God, about everything. A sweet little blonde girl once got into an argument with me about being in constant communication with our Lord. It took hold and that seed she planted in my mind has grown. So I'm always doing that now, praying about one thing or another. But again, that doesn't save me.
I suppose I'm just wondering if I'm saved. God is not so forgiving that everyone goes to Heaven. Where do my sins stand? Things I've done day after day, on rare occasion, anytime, how is it weighed? I pray I find some answers while I'm out on the ocean the next few days, through prayer out there or in scripture on my return. Some seclusion from civilization couldn't hurt.
Anyways it's late and in tired and there's no way I'm going to get enough sleep tonight. I don't regret anything I did the other day. And I don't think I will, but I have to wonder what God thinks of it. Goodnight everyone.