Saturday, August 10, 2013

Back From Fishing

Hey people! I'm back from the cold grips of the ocean, and I'm full of toast and in my comfy bed. Life is good again. But the last couple days have been rough. Many a time I thought I was going to die, and I'd finally get to see if a sinner like me gets into heaven or not. Alas, I did not get to feel the warmth of the Lords presence, or the heat of lack there of. But even after all the times I genuinely thought I was going to die, it was ok. I am blessed in that sense, that even surrounded by so much danger, The Lord will protect me.

We came out of this trip ok. We caught 22 fish and made a few hundred dollars. So there's that. I don't know if ill finally get a cut or not, but I suppose time will tell.

I always feel so shitty out there. Like I am the lowest of low creatures in existence. Every single time I go out there, I get in this really depressed mood where I tell myself that I am a waste of space, that I am totally useless, that I'm a monster, that I'm bound for hell, that I will never make it in this world, that everything is so wrong because of me- in short I believe that I am, and always will be, worthless. Perhaps its all true. But I believe it with every cell of my body, every fiber of my existence, until I'm back home, then I begin to pick up the pieces and see that most of its not true. I still feel a bit miserable and like a sad little nothing, but Ill get over it. I can persuade myself that not everything I do is a mistake, and that maybe when my someday comes, everything will be ok. That ill be happy in this world, and that ill be doing something worthwhile, something good. I can persuade myself into believing that, be it a lie or the truth I will believe it for now. For now I'll pick my head up and move on, and try not to let anyone see me sad. I might as well not let anyone else get hurt by this sadness. I wont be just one of the sad boys my girlfriend has fallen for, I wont be the depressed kid in the family, I wont be the down kid in the school. Ill get out of this post fishing sadness and I'll be back to my happy self in no time.

Anyways, thats the update on me people. I'll be fine until I'm not. =)

Oh, and the quote of the day was from a man at the docks who had a ton of these little miricles happen that kept him from dying on his boat again and again. "The Lord has saved my life for a reason. I just hope that when that time comes, I wont fuck it up."

Amen brother. Amen.

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