Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Sick Day

I couldn't bear to go to school today so I faked a sick day. And I am somewhat sick. But really, I'm wondering if it was a good choice. Because now I am left to my thoughts all day and have parents who keep bugging me and perhaps unknowingly attacking me mentally. I'm going to go insane, if I'm not there already. And I won't go to school because that's much worse, that makes me feel like- no it shows me that I am a terrible waste of life.

I'm beginning to think I have no place left in this world. My home is a sad place of persecution and loneliness, the school attacks my every effort and tells me I'm terrible, and even the church reminds me that I am a terrible sinner and deserve a terrible fate. Luckily, a redemption that I don't deserve keeps me from that fate. Perhaps I want the fate I deserve. I don't know what to think anymore, and I don't know how to keep  the bad thoughts out.

Even my dear girlfriends house is beginning to scare me. I'm so afraid I'll overstep my bounds somehow and piss off her parents or somehow piss her off or anything of the sort. I'd say I feel like I'm walking through a minefield in life, but that's not entirely accurate. More like walking on broken glass, because every step I'm bound to get hurt.

But I must continue getting hurt, because I must keep walking, because I must keep living for some reason unknown to me. The only reason I haven't driven far away and burned all my stuff or just offed myself is because theres a select few people who might actually miss me. However in time they'll begin to dislike me as much as I do... Then I can go.

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