Things don't taste anymore and sleep doesn't restore.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
I'm so incredibly done with it all. School is ruined. I cannot think of a way or a system to fix it. When I bring I up to my parents they say I'm close minded and when we discuss it I'm "just trying to win an argument." Now they're downstairs and I can hear them talking about me. Dads saying shit about me and how I'm wrong as moms relaying everything I said. Fuck it, I'll embody the attitude they think I have. They think I have this screw it all attitude, and you know what? That's be great about now. Screw them now. They'll come and try to talk to me tonight or soon and I won't have it. I'm done, when I open up to them it causes issues. So forget it. I'll keep to myself and never show a smile to them again. I'll make sure I don't cause anymore issues for them. And that'll be a lot of fun, considering that their son is a broken suicidal. God I just wish I had the courage to slit my wrist! For Christ's sake I've had the knife touching my wrist before and I couldn't do it. When I do it, I'll use a rope in the shop. Away from the house is my dads shop, a garage where he can work essentially. There's rafters there and plenty of rope and room. I can jump off a chair, I know I can do that. It's less scary to me than a knife. and maybe if I do my math right (as if) I'll break my neck instantly. That'll be nice. Finally sent to the last hell I have to endure. There's very few people left who keep me here, that are my reasons for living. They're the reason I don't go. I know spiritually I'm in a bad place and I can't find it in my heart to pray for forgiveness again, I shouldn't be forgiven and know that even Gods mercy and Jesus's blood haven't paid for my sins. I don't have God backing me to stay here. Just a cute girl. She's all I have left. I have no family, no pride, nothing I'm good at, no hobbies, no friends... If you're the sun of your works then I am truly nothing. All I am is a bleeding heart loving a girl who I'll chase away by being me.