Monday, December 9, 2013

Snow day after snow day. I've been wrapped in the nice warm blanket of self esteem and assurance the last few days. Boy has it been nice. But tomorrow, tomorrow I go back to the dismal failure of life. Back to feelings of inferiority. To wanting to cry on stage because your throat is bleeding, but you're still somehow too quiet. To wanting to bury myself in ice to be as cold as the world. To the lies. To the fantasy hopes of good grades. To the dreams of hearing a good job and knowing it's not a joke. To the cold drives. To wanting to cut open my sternum with a rusty cleaver. To the illusive memories of being good at something. Back to wanting to hang onto a lead weight and jump into the deep abyss of the ocean. Back to wanting to shove splintered wood deep into people's throats. Back to life. I wish life wasnt so fucking dark.

I have her though. She's the hope I need. She's the reason I don't do all of the above. I won't always wear a big smile, but because of her I overcome these terrible feelings.

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