Monday, November 18, 2013

Life's been interesting. The play is over and I've come to the realization that I have a lot of work to do in school. I may not be able to physically get an A in an AP class anymore, and I have one thing missing from nearly every class. I'm sick tonight, it's been a feverish thing that's getting better then worse. One step forward two back. My family just lives in the same house. Spiritually I'm just weird. I'm awkward even in the eyes of The Lord. =P My girlfriend and I are good but I have a weird feeling about us, like something's so wrong and will explode soon. But I don't know what it is. I should probably just delete this. It's stupid. I'm venting something so pathetic. I'm fed and live in a first world country. I have a bed and a iPhone. Things are good relatively speaking. I should just suck it up and get on with life. The problem Is I used to be able to do that. I was cold and calculating, emotionless. Without love. I've thought I could never go back many times before, but I'm not so sure anymore. Maybe it's what I need to do to coincide with the world. Just give up myself and become a perfect servant. I mean The Lord says we should be servants. Where's the line between servant and slave though? Is there a line? Should we be enslaved to the world save our faith? I think the book of Daniel has some answers there. Should I harden my heart and commit mental suicide, or should I go on with life as is, a soft failure trying to do good but failing and always hurting? Trying to succeed but being told I'm not good enough, and how I need to do better but I'm the only one who knows how to make myself better when I clearly don't... Why why why why. Why am I a weak spiraling person? I was once a fucking heart of stone and a body of steel, I could handle whatever the fuck the world threw at me and only said is that all you've got? What happened? Can I go back? Was I just ignorant? I don't know. Is going back right? Will it help? Can I catch up and succeed like I am? I don't know. I don't.

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