Friday, November 8, 2013

No Control

It seems I have no control in my life. I started dieting a few days ago because- hey, I can lose some fat. According to tests at school, I have 16.5% body fat, about 25 lbs of fat in all. Well, I can lower that down a bit now can't I? I'd like to get that down to around 20 lbs of fat, give or take a pound. And I was going to do it via self control and counting calories rather than working out. Work smart not hard my dad says. Well, I've been doing the diet for a few days and it was already showing results, I lost some weight, some fat. I came home from rehearsals today, where I contractually have no control of my life, to a house full of sweets and goodies. I had already faced pizza today and had to decide how much to eat, but because of that I didn't have a whole lot of extra calories I could eat today. So the goodies were a tempting no. I complained to my mom in a joking manner, saying it's not fair that I go on a diet and she fills the house with fatty sweets! She replied with "why are you on a diet? No. You're not allowed to diet." Then she brought my dad into it and they got really mad at me for trying to lose weight. I felt pretty rejected. Then they made me eat. Eat noodles, carb filled noodles. They implied that I'd be in trouble, having who knows what taken from me if I didn't eat. I can't even lose weight if I want... I have no control. My mom said I have to start swimming again if I want to lose weight, and I told her that takes a lot of work and money, dieting just takes self control and saves you money. Then she called me super lazy and told me I wouldn't get anywhere in life if I was this lazy.

So there it is. I have no control over my life. I guess people can just use me... Others know best right? Right? Because I must not know anything. If I knew something or could do something, I'd have some control over my life right?

So, the end outcome is I'll just shut my stupid mouth at home, and just get in my room away from them as soon as possible. Escape. Desperately hiding. Anything to get away and maybe give me a sense of free will, the feeling that I'm not a pawn on a board or a train bound to it's tracks. Silence in my cage of a room, it's my escape of all things.

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