I'm finally official with my girl. I am now her boyfriend, the keeper of the... Her name. =) She's old enough, I had the talk with her dad and got his approval, and I asked her out. I asked her out first, and she turned me down comically. To which I replied with "That's ok, you have cooties anyways." Later she jokingly pointed out we still weren't dating, so I asked her out again and she said yes. Then our church friends have us congrats and cards and such in a joking way. The problem is now, I can't spend as much time with her. Her parents, her dad especially, is cracking down on our time together. They're doing it to protect us from each other, to keep us from getting carried away and to keep us self dependent and having a healthy relationship. But I feel like we can handle both of those things ourselves, and giving us less time together will make us miss each other and create lust. We will get through this, but it's a bump in the road. A nuisance.
Now on other fronts things aren't do great. My dad told me he would be better off single, and the reason him and my mom don't divorce is for my little sisters. That hurts. He said it so casually too while me and him drove alone in the car to the coast. It's been haunting me. It's made me realize certain actions and things they involve themselves in arent for us, but they're in preparation for custody someday. I don't think they'll divorce anytime soon, but they're marriage is not sound. It makes sense. I never believed they had a good relationship, never, but this is more than if like to know. I'd rather hear fuck stories or walk in on them or something, anything but this. At least in those two other things they're intimate.
Also I'm so torn up inside from my thoughts and actions as of late. I hurt my little sister with an instinctive kick. She punched me in the groin when I was coming down the stairs as she was going up, and I instinctively kicked her. It hurt her. And when I did it I was so happy and ok with it. But that's wrong! I enjoyed it, even for a second. I'm thoroughly convinced now that I'm a horrible person deep down. On the surface I'm a good guy, but I know the sins I've committed and I know the wrongs I've rejoiced over. I'm just bad at my core and it's slowly getting out and taking over. I hate myself in the process. There's a million reasons why. My parents "it's never enough" attitude towards me alone, my sins, the stress of knowing about my parents and not doing anything, my lack of a job, my hate towards others, letting down friends, my fear of not knowing me, so many things at my core... I hate me. I really do.
My girlfriend called me after I texted her a rant about how I'm not a good person and how I'm a sinful bundle of a person waiting to hurt everyone... I lied to her and told her I was fine. I think that was a mistake. But I really didn't want to get into it and argue against myself. I don't want her to see this pathetic weak side of me. I don't want her to pity me or play the boo hoo poor Colton game. Her ex did that all the time for attention. I want no relation to him, I don't want the thought to cross her mind that I could be like him. I'm not. I won't hurt her like he did. I'm better than him and I won't play that game, I'll man up and take care of my own stupid teenage self esteem problems.
I'm truly convinced that I'm going to hurt everyone around me at some point. Through my own stupid fault, like betraying someone or not helping them or who knows what... Or maybe I'll get so realistic that I'll take myself out of the equation. I don't think I'll do that, it will hurt those I love. And even when friends and girlfriends fade, I'll still have people that it would hurt. So that's not an option, I'm trying not to hurt them. It's one of my reasons for living. But at least if i did I'd be burning in hell where I belong.
Aside from being in my head too much and self esteem issues, life's great. I wish I had a job, but yard work will keep me busy. Keep my mind off things. God will help me through this and maybe someone like me can be redeemed. Can be saved. Anyways, toss a few upcoming tuna trips in and that's an update on me.
Goodnight everyone.
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