Learning to Live From The Dead

I came up with a pretty decent idea for a story, im working through it now. After a bit of sleep and some editing tomorrow morning, maybe I'll post the intro to it for you guys. For now, I'm going to get all wet- in the shower, all wet soapy and clean. Then I'll plop into some pillows and poof, it'll be tomorrow.

G'dnight!

Sad Cat Diaries

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=PKffm2uI4dk#at=189

This is just too perfect. I think this is my cats life.

Hip hip hooray to moody teenagerdom!

Meteor Shower- Make a Wish

Hey people! Theres a meteor shower across the globe that is at its peak for the next 3 days. So get outside and make a wish on a shooting star!

Back From Fishing

Hey people! I'm back from the cold grips of the ocean, and I'm full of toast and in my comfy bed. Life is good again. But the last couple days have been rough. Many a time I thought I was going to die, and I'd finally get to see if a sinner like me gets into heaven or not. Alas, I did not get to feel the warmth of the Lords presence, or the heat of lack there of. But even after all the times I genuinely thought I was going to die, it was ok. I am blessed in that sense, that even surrounded by so much danger, The Lord will protect me.

We came out of this trip ok. We caught 22 fish and made a few hundred dollars. So there's that. I don't know if ill finally get a cut or not, but I suppose time will tell.

I always feel so shitty out there. Like I am the lowest of low creatures in existence. Every single time I go out there, I get in this really depressed mood where I tell myself that I am a waste of space, that I am totally useless, that I'm a monster, that I'm bound for hell, that I will never make it in this world, that everything is so wrong because of me- in short I believe that I am, and always will be, worthless. Perhaps its all true. But I believe it with every cell of my body, every fiber of my existence, until I'm back home, then I begin to pick up the pieces and see that most of its not true. I still feel a bit miserable and like a sad little nothing, but Ill get over it. I can persuade myself that not everything I do is a mistake, and that maybe when my someday comes, everything will be ok. That ill be happy in this world, and that ill be doing something worthwhile, something good. I can persuade myself into believing that, be it a lie or the truth I will believe it for now. For now I'll pick my head up and move on, and try not to let anyone see me sad. I might as well not let anyone else get hurt by this sadness. I wont be just one of the sad boys my girlfriend has fallen for, I wont be the depressed kid in the family, I wont be the down kid in the school. Ill get out of this post fishing sadness and I'll be back to my happy self in no time.

Anyways, thats the update on me people. I'll be fine until I'm not. =)

Oh, and the quote of the day was from a man at the docks who had a ton of these little miricles happen that kept him from dying on his boat again and again. "The Lord has saved my life for a reason. I just hope that when that time comes, I wont fuck it up."

Amen brother. Amen.

I'm off to fish again! See you in a few days!

Well...

Well, I had an amazing day with my girlfriend yesterday, but today shes been grounded for some reason... ugh.. well, onward through time we go.

Hell

R.C Sproul, a... Well I'm not sure exactly what to call this great man. A Christian philosopher, speaker perhaps? An incredible teacher is what he is to me at times. But this man puts audio and video lessons up on Ligonier Ministries (an amazing Christian website full of resources, a must visit at the very least) every single day. They are half hour pieces of larger lessons that I believe he's given classes on. Like they're segments from a seminar or a long class or lesson or something he's given. They are incredible. Simply amazing and eye opening every, single, time. It's unbelievable. Nothing else compares to hearing him speak. It's just your mind going *click* over and over, waking up to what you know. I have been listening to him kind of irregularly due to fishing and things in place of a nightly devotion, (because my devotion book still hasn't gotten here) and it's definitely as good or better. Likely better because there's so much more content, so much more everything... I cannot stress how amazing the lessons he teaches are, and how incredible the site is. Everything is totally free. Check it out here at http://www.ligonier.org/

Ok, so, hell. Lately I've been thinking about my sins, and the forgiveness of sins and how far that goes. It's been rattling around in my head for weeks, but recently something happened that did two things simultaneously. One, it blocked out most of those thoughts. I haven't really thought about it the last couple days, haven't cared, my mind has been elsewhere. But the other thing it did was give me a much bigger reason to fear my sins, a new sin, have me repent. I haven't nailed myself to the cross yet, but that might be because I'm in a sort of a daze after what happened. I'll know eventually I suppose. =P I don't want to come down from this cloud 9, because it's so lovely, but also I'm a little afraid I'll hate myself looking back at how I got there, or I'll have regrets... Not worried yet, I'm just so happy right now but... In a sleepy state I do wonder a little how it'll all turn out and how I'll see this weeks from now. Ugh this is just turning into late night babbling. Enjoy the unfiltered and unfinished thoughts coming from my mind.

But, to tie it all together. Tonight's lesson from R.C was about Hell, and how much worse it was than we can imagine and how we arrive at such a place and how we wish it were just a lake of fire. That's all things I like to learn about, how all of it works and is. But I kept applying myself to everything. Because I did this this and this and never changed, and at times had no remorse, no real regret for my sins, where do I stand? I am no saint. I'm not a holy man. I have dedicated a lot if my thoughts simply to silently praying to God, about everything. A sweet little blonde girl once got into an argument with me about being in constant communication with our Lord. It took hold and that seed she planted in my mind has grown. So I'm always doing that now, praying about one thing or another. But again, that doesn't save me.

I suppose I'm just wondering if I'm saved. God is not so forgiving that everyone goes to Heaven. Where do my sins stand? Things I've done day after day, on rare occasion, anytime, how is it weighed? I pray I find some answers while I'm out on the ocean the next few days, through prayer out there or in scripture on my return. Some seclusion from civilization couldn't hurt.

Anyways it's late and in tired and there's no way I'm going to get enough sleep tonight. I don't regret anything I did the other day. And I don't think I will, but I have to wonder what God thinks of it. Goodnight everyone.

Prepped and Ready

Ok, I am prepped and ready to go back out into the ocean again! For two days, I will be out on the ocean fishing for tuna again. We know what we did wrong last time, and we should be able to catch a lot more tuna this time. We need to as well. Today we prepped the boat, and we refueled the boat. We found out our fuel milage (1.5ish gallons per hour, great for boats) as well as our total expenses. We actually made about $200 dollars off this trip, which was much better than we thought. We figured we had lost a few hundred dollars. So thats great. Tomorrow we are heading out again, so hopefully we will catch a bunch of fish. Wish me luck guys!

Last Few Days

Well, let me catch you all up to speed. The last few days I've been out on the ocean fishing for tuna. I've been sleeping, eating, and just living so far out in the ocean that I couldn't see land for 3 days and 2 nights. Night time on the ocean is creepy, you're surrounded by a dark ominous liquid, and you can't see it all. everything fades out into absolute nothingness at a point. Its freaky. But, when it was all said and done, we caught 21 fish. Not what we wanted or needed. That might just cover our expenses, in fact we may have lost a little money. but we learned a great deal of things from this, and we will be better off next time around. =) I should be going back out Saturday or Sunday for another few nights. Hopefully they go much better.

So, as a welcome home, today I got to see my girlfriend. I love that girl so much. Alright, there you go people, you've gotten your fill of mushy "I love my girlfriend" shit. =)

Anyways, life is pretty great. Return to your lives and be jealous.