Understanding of God?

Our Sunday school teacher posed an interesting question that got me thinking. What if we truly understood God? This was in the context of the trinity but it got me thinking. My answer to him would be that we would likely use it against him, that we would tear down God. Because think about two things- God has made a lot if decisions, many people won't agree with them all and will seek vengeance or even will go after God when they find out their own religion is false. If we understood God completely, we could replicate his powers of creation and destruction- we would in fact be gods ourselves and could use powers identical to his own to destroy him. Now, thought two. We would have that kind of power, what would stop God from killing every last one of us before we turned on him? I know my teacher would have pointed to the bible and said "this proves he loves us, he wouldn't." Ah, but to reference kill bill... The textbooks are written by the zebras for the zebras... History is written by those in charge for those in charge. Why wouldn't the bible- an incredible historical and some of the most evident proof of Gods power- be written by God for God? Theologists and even the bible say that the bible was written perfectly by God through his disciples. God wrote it. If he were a zebra writing for zebras, then he may not love us in fact. It tears apart his image, which would lead one to believe that he could turn on us if the playing field were leveled.

If we truly understood God, there would be conflict and decimation that the universe- that existence has never seen or perceived as possible. It would be a war of Gods. Men with unimaginable power lashing out at each other and at their creator with unheard of weapons of destruction and maddening creation. It would be like giving a caveman a shotgun and a lifetime of ammo- the leading cause of death in humans and animals would be death by shotgun from that point on. Or if you gave Romans nukes- the power would be unimaginably great and they'd decimate the world because they don't understand how to use that power responsibly. Giving humans a finite understanding of the inner-workings of God would be giving them his power, something unimaginable that we are not prepared or educated for. We would destroy everything. Literally.

Perhaps a select few would survive the carnage and death of God and billions of human gods, and perhaps those few would have learned enough to start over and rebuild the universe- one where this can never happen again. Funnily enough, if you think about it this could have happened before. Those remaining few gods would eventually argue, struggle, and strafe over the new universe and potential followers that live in it. Still being human they would eventually kill each other until there was only one left- a God. Said God would start anew, wash away the blood and destruction of an existence ruined by the fighting of billions of Gods. The slate/existence would be wiped clean and bang- or should I say Big Bang. The God creates a fresh universe to sculpt and create in, vowing to stop such a thing from happening again. He creates humans in his image, instructs them, but they inevitably turn away from him. In human rage he floods their realm saving only a few... And thousands of years later when his human creations fully understand him... Well, you get the story.

I should either write a book or get more sleep. Exact opposites on the spectrum, I understand but...

Doorknobs and headphones. Who knew it was a deadly combination. 

Well it's been awhile. Finals week is coming up and it's got me on edge, I'll be honest. Thankfully I have my wonderful girlfriend to keep me on track, and a fish tank or two that occupy and relax me in my free time. I've gotten a bunch of new plants for my fish tanks- like legit leafy ones. 

Here's the little tank. Poor photo I know, and it looks a mess too. Over the next couple weeks I'll be taking pictures to track it's progress.  The grass looking stuff in the front are "micro swords" which should end up being like a wavy grass that covers all of the ground by the end of the month. Right now I have 2 clumps of that in the tiny tank and one in the big. The long thing in the back is Sunset Hygro, which is illegal to ship/sell across almost every state line, as it's such a hardy and evasive plant. It has been released into the wild on occasions and has been known to choke out all life in entire lakes by taking up every last inch of space and blocking out the sun when it reaches the surface. I have one in the little tank, and the floating piece in the top left is in my big tank now. This stuff should be great, I actually have a bunch of plans for it once it gets big. This stuff grows like crazy, so you have to cut it back. Well, the cuttings off the plant will take root and start brand new plants, making it very easy to grow. So, I'm going to give some of it to my mom for a cool fish tank idea she has, and I'm actually going to be able to sell some of it back to the place I bought it. Since it can't cross state lines, the plant must be bought locally. The fish store I bought it from only has the stuff because the owner has been growing it in his personal aquarium for years, and he sells the trimmings. Ok, and the last thing in the picture is the java fern on the far right. It's tied to this ornament right now, and once it attached itself to the ornament, I'll put it in the big tank. This one cannot be burried, as it's roots are pretty much useless. It absorbs nutrients from it's leaves actually. I've always loved the stuff and can't wait to have it in the big tank.

Now back to my other joy. My girlfriend. Gosh, I can't get over every aspect of her. She is like a fall out boy song, to which the lyrics escape me. "Better wit, a hotter fuck than any other girl you'll ever meet baby you've got me?" Something like that. We haven't fucked but damn, her kisses are phenomenal. And I simply adore everything that comes out of her mouth. Ok, I don't adore all of it when she's yelling at me, only half of it. What, she's a little cute when she's mad. And a whole lot of intimidating too. =P she's funny, she's smart, she's ambitious, she's loving to those who've earned the blessing of her love, she's trustworthy beyond others, she's knowledagable, gives good advice, a great storyteller, responsible, has dignity, is a 90s grunge girl, she's simply divine to look at- amazing blonde hair, dark eyes, cute freckles, cuter smile on a smoking hot face, hot body with curves like no body's business, and pretty sexy legs if I have any say in things. She's perfect. Minus her figure, she's everything I could ever want to be and more. She's someone who loves me that I can trust beyond any shadow of a doubt. She's there for me, and I'm there for her- although I've been leaning on her more lately. Honestly she's the best thing that could have happened to me. I'm so glad to have her, who knows where I would be if she never was.

Finals. I need to get through this.

I sometimes wish I was brave enough for self harm...

My fish tank!

I got a lovely new fish tank for Christmas. =) 36 gallons of life and love for my aquatic friends. Or captives. Depends on how you look at it.

Thank you Fight Club.

Water Chemistry

Because science. I was testing all sorts of levels in my small fish tank. Ph, ammonia, nitrites- and a few other things. All the bad stuff? Yeah all of it was really bad. One was so bad it was actually off the color chart of the test. I need a bigger tank to help keep some of this stuff under control, but today I crushed a lot of the harmful water condition sources. Oh well, once I get a job I think I'll devote a paycheck solely to buying a big bad ass tank. And a couple hardy and sacrificial fish to get the nitrogen cycle started right this time. I'm learning. =P on the bright side- my ph is right!

Death Note

I don't know why, but suddenly I can't stop thinking about the Death Note and Shinigami's. nothing started this man, it's just sudden! But I don't mind. 

I've always loved the rules. There's 66 rules I believe, or at least parts of how to use the Death Note. The first one (this one) and the last are my favorite. The last simply says that any human who has used a Death Note goes to neither heaven nor hell when they die. All humans must die at some point, and those who have used a Death Note will never come back to life. There's so many rules and technicalities, I love it for this concept.

The Shinigami realm is what I'm thinking of. It's almost poetic. They had their own realm, their own world, and they killed everything there with their death notes. Now they're left on a desolate rock doing the same things everyday. Trying to stave off boredom. They have nothing left and nothing to do but gamble. Sure they can write a humans name in their Death Notes for the sport of killing a human, but they take very little joy in that anymore. As gods of death, it's not even a challenge.

Aaaand this thing. Clever.

I think one of the worst first world problems is when you're taking a poop, and you know the water is about to splash back up at you and there's nothing you can do about it. That's up there on the list of first world problems. 

Floating Water Idea

So my mind is caught on this idea now. What if liquids were lighter than gasses? Like I know it's a physical impossibility, but it's an interesting premise. Because all the air would be where the oceans are, and the oceans would float on top. The water would make the air covered earth we live on darker, pitch black in places. However industry would eventually solve that with electricity. Also it would be harder to get water to survive, we would have to drill for trapped water pockets under ground like we now drill for oil. Also what would transportation be like? Cars and such would still exist, but I don't think planes would. I think we would just have elevators up to water level and have subs. In fact, we may have semi bouyant buildings floating above entire metropolises below. And what would space travel be? What would astrology be like? Could we see stars, or would schools of shining fish be equivalent? Imagine seeing a whale float above you in the moonlight. Also, how different would the ocean be without rooted in the ground plants? Would plants be rooted to tall mountains? Or would there be places where the elevation is high enough to where there's no air and it's surrounded by water? Or bottom feeders? What would happen to food that fell deeper into the sea? Would it rest on the waters edge at the bottom, or would it slip through and fall through the air below?

Also, I know we as humans are mostly water. I'm presuming that we land life forms would be heavy enough to not float above the air due to the light water in our body, just because of other things in us. Dunno. It just interests me. 

Architectural Blender Project

I love the art style in Dishonored. I want to try building some buildings in blender, I think I might start with buildings like in the second picture, more stone in a worn down sort of environment. I might also just do an old sort of apartment building like the last 3 pictures. I'm leaning towards doing that, but with architectural touches from Dishonored. We'll see I guess. This is all presuming I have time and low enough stress levels to effectively deal with anything. =)

Short Story I Wrote

So I've been writing nightly for awhile now. Most of the stories I just end up trashing by the end of the week because I am incredibly unsatisfied, but hey at least its practice. This is a short story that survived the purge this week, I really have no title for it or anything, and it still needs a lot of revision, which I think I will do for this story. Investing a little more in this story couldn't hurt I don't think. Anywho, I'll just put it right up here for you guys to see. If even one of you end up liking this story even a little, then all of my effort was worth it. But if not, well so be it, it was good practice.

Anyways, here's the rather under edited story. A few highlighted bits I really think need work, but aside from  that... yeah just whatever, here it is. =)

He could see his breath as he ran in the crisp winter night. Under the moonlight, it seemed to swirl like a small blizzard in the cold world he was too familiar with. It swirled until it to froze, then faded into the invisible nothing of the frosty air. The young teenager ran through the forest on this chilling night as if wolves were chasing him, but there were none to be found. He had been darting through this frosty jungle at full speed for nearly an hour now, and his lungs were burning from the frost. His face was red, but it wasn’t apparent under the makeup of the snow clinging to his face. There were marks on his face from where tears had frozen their way down his cheeks, like some sort of tribal make up. His knees and arms were torn open in the way that only rough asphalts claws can tear, and either the beginnings of scabs were forming over his wounds, or his blood was freezing to his skin. Did it matter which? He hadn’t prepared for this excursion, in fact he was wearing nothing more than newly torn jeans and a thin ACDC t-shirt that clung tightly to his cold body as if it were looking for warmth. His body was freezing away, however he didn’t notice. He just kept running.
His limbs were going numb. His lungs screamed. He heart was begging for relief. But he wasn’t listening to his body, he was too absorbed by his thoughts. His mind was racing faster than his collapsing body as he ran through the nightmare that became his life.
Tonight he left the house just as it was starting to get dark. As he was getting ready, he could hear his parents arguing in their room. Both his mother and father were screaming at the top of their lungs, often at the same time, until his mothers shouts turned to tears. Then the house was silent, aside from the hum of the heaters and the rhythmic beat of his mothers sobs that recently became the anthem to this teenagers life. He slipped his shoes on, then slipped out of the house without a soul knowing. He shut the door to his home, if it can truly be deemed as such, and turned to face the winter. He admired the layer of ice that covered the world. The trees were coated with a glassy coat of ice, and the ground covered in an ice layer that preserved the crystals of snow beneath. He needed relief. He needed a break from the chaotic hell of his home.
Earlier in the week, the school was abuzz about a party that was being thrown on the weekend. It was one of those big parties the popular kids throw when their parents are away on some trip. You know, the unsupervised “invitation only” kind of get drunk parties. The teenager was most certainly not invited. He was a nobody, however his girlfriend wasn’t. Amelia. The A in Amelia stood for A+. She was the popular girl, the head cheerleader, the athlete, the GPA Nazi, the honors student, and the best that the school had to offer. Why she doted on her little nobody of a boyfriend was always a mystery, to both him and to the school. But faithfully since freshmen year, she loved on him and spoiled him. Maybe she just felt bad for him and his abundance of inadequacy. Maybe she felt better about herself by being so close to him. Regardless, Amelia was invited to the party, and her nobody was not.
Now he trudged over the ice to that party. Anything was better than his home, even a sea of people who had never heard his name. It was only a few blocks away, and worst case it wasn’t a long walk home. He arrived with frozen cheeks and a runny nose.
The walk was longer than he had expected, and his bare arms were pink from the short walk. The house was the kind sizable enough that it needed a big metal gate to surround it. A small mansion made of solid white stone, with a frozen fountain in the front yard. A snow laden drive way wrapped around the glimmering fountain, and there were cars parked in every conceivable angle in it. Pillars carved over countless hours held up the stone porches surrounding the mansion. Large windows outnumbered the walls, emulating a warm glow of the party within. The base could be felt outside as he walked towards the front door. Surprisingly, the large wooden front door was open, and he walked right in. The air was filled with a sweet smoke, and the hands of all the teenagers were filled with red solo cups containing a number of sweet intoxication's. He weaved his way through the crowd of teenagers looking for Amelia, the only person that may pay any attention to him at all in this place. The only shining light in his world right now. The rooms were all decorated lavishly in the house, but were polluted with a cast of delinquents. In one room, some jocks laughing on the ground, drenched in beer. Another, a player with too few hands and too many ladies. Just next to a stair case, a girl with nothing more than short skirt and fragments of a top passed out on a white leather couch.
He couldn’t find Amelia anywhere. Maybe she didn’t show up. He went upstairs, and was met with a long hallway lined with doors and few people. Upstairs was sparsely populated, and compared to downstairs it made teenagers look endangered. He began walking the halls in search of Amelia, but didn’t find her. He stood in a corner for a few moments, and decided to look in the rooms that lined the hallway. He opened the nearest door quietly, but only found a bathroom. The next door concealed a bedroom filled with bongs and teenagers. The next had a pool table surrounded by big football players, cussing like sailors during surgery. He was considering giving up the hunt, but he decided to check a few more doors. Nothing. No one. Faceless people. Finally, he only had one door left to open. He considered not even opening it. what was the point he thought. He cranked the door handle and the door swung open.

THIS PART NEEDS SEVERE REVISON

His mouth hung open. His heart stopped. The only shining light in his world was extinguished. There in the gorgeously decorated bedroom was his girlfriend, being fucked by the star quarterback on the football team. She was facing the door when it swung open, and began to scream. In that moment, he couldn’t tell if he had made her scream, or if the quarterback did, but he was paralyzed by it. Her and the quarterback quickly collected themselves and retreated under the mess of sheets.
The quarterback began typical masculine posturing as he hid beneath his blanket, “The fuck do you think you-“ but was cut off by Amelia.
“Oh my God, what the hell are you doing here?” Shrieked Amelia, still catching her breath.
“I… I just…” he muttered as he looked down at the floor, holding himself up with the door frame.
The quarterback started, “Dude, what the fuck are you doing here? We were kind of-“
“Why! Why the fuck are you doing this to me Amelia!” he cried. Tears were streaming down his face now, his voice was filled with sadness and rage.
“Look, I just-“ started Amelia.
“No, give me a God damn strait answer. What the fuck is this? Huh? What the fuck are you doing? Do you even know? What you’ve done here and what you’ve done to me? Huh?” he cried out.
Amelia coldy and calmly said “Look, you want a straight answer, so be it! You’re dying. You’re dying quickly, and you know it. The doctor said you had what, two weeks, three tops? I loved the time we spent together, I really did, but its over. You’re dying, and without you there is no us, it’s coming to an end and you cant deny that. So what the fuck am I doing here? I’m finding someone who will be there when you’re gone.” Both her and the jock began putting their clothes on under the sheets as she continued talking, “And you know what? I’ve never been happier,” She picked up a joint off of the bedside table and began smoking it as she pulled up her pants, “I have never been this happy! I feel amazing, I feel things Ive never felt with you. So you know what? Maybe it’s a good thing you'll be gone soon. Maybe its what I needed. Maybe your death is just what I needed.” She took a long draw from her joint before she buttoned up her shirt. she said “Now get the fuck out of here you nobody.” As she exhaled the sweet venom of her joint from her lungs”
“No, no no, you cant be- I wont! No we will fix this, we will just… We can-“ he said before he was cut off by the quarterback grabbing his shirt.
“I’ll escort him out.”
Before he knew it the front door was closing behind him. He stood there, looking at the frozen fountain with teary eyes and an otherwise blank expression. How? Why? What happened? She was all I had, she was the last thing going right for me, she was the light in this sea of darkness… and now, now what do I have? Thoughts such as these were blaring like a siren in the sinking ship of his head. Intensely loud thoughts sounding off in his mind, followed by a silence that made him think he lost the capacity to think. He stood on the porch of the small mansion, utterly destroyed for what seemed to be eons. He swayed as each thought frantically pounded away at his psyche. Did she ever truly love me? How long has this been going on? Do I want to know? Does it matter? Am I so low that it really doesn’t matter? Am I better off dead like she said? I must be. What says otherwise?
Suddenly his legs started moving as fast as his frantic mind. He began running, to where was unknown even to him. Down the icy steps, through the frozen drive, and out the metallic gates. He ran down the middle of the slush filled road, picking up speed with every thought that was born into his nightmarish mind. Past houses, past suburbs, until the blurred sight of houses on the edge of his vision became rare, and he was running down a dark back road somewhere. No streetlights to be found. The moon was his only guide. His head was spinning, but his legs pushed on regardless. Snow was pelting his bare arms and face as he sprinted down the road towards the edge of his small town. He noticed he was surrounded by a frozen evergreen forest that engulfed the road, and he gravitated towards it for some reason. Maybe he knew he’d be alone there. Just before reaching the edge of the road and moving into the forest, his feet slipped on some ice imbedded on the cold road, sending him sprawling down face first onto the hard road. He skidded across the ground for a couple feet, and tore his shirt and pants to ribbons. He lay there on the side of the road, face pressed into the frosty slush. He lay there crying, wondering how far from home he was. Wondering if anyone cared or if his parents even knew he was gone yet.
A short while later, a yellowish light began piercing his clasped shut eyelids. The rumbling of a diesel engine. Squealing of old brakes. The metallic slam of a door. Fast paced squishing of boots in the slush filled road. Suddenly a gruff voice spoke, “Hey, kid,” someone knelt beside him and shook him “Kid! My names Vick, Vick Jackson, can you hear me? I’m here to help you.” He didn’didn't move or make a sound, he just lay there in the cold snow. “Aw shit… You’re breathing, there's at least that… Hang on a minute.” The man, apparently named Vick, got up and plotted quickly back to his truck. It was then that the teen pulled himself up and stumbled off into the nearby woods. His arms and chest were torn just like his clothes, but he didn’t feel the wounds. “Hey! Hey, where are you going?” yelled Vick. That was a good question. Where was he going?
He was terribly afraid. Vick would take him home, or to a hospital, or somewhere where people would ask him questions about what happened tonight. He couldn’t even tell what happened himself. All he knew is he had no hope, no love, nowhere to be and nowhere to go. So he ran, he ran like a slave escaping some unjust capture. He ran through the dead undergrowth and came crashing through frozen branches. He heard shouts off behind him still, calling out to him, trying to take him away from the icy night. He ran full sprint, bounding over piles of snow, flying through frozen brambles and skeletons of bushes. Blood was pouring out of his wounds with every heartbeat, but he didn’t even notice. The shouts behind him died out, perhaps from the deafening thoughts in his head. “I’m going to die,” He thought. “I’m going to die, and she’s happy about it. How did it come to this… ” He cried burning tears, and sprinted on ahead.
About two weeks ago, he had a dramatic set of seizures in the middle of gym class. He was rushed to the hospital, and shortly after flown to intensive care in a more equipped hospital.
He came to a few days later, seemingly unharmed. He was all alone in a windowless hospital room, hooked up by tubes and wires to machines that’s functions were a mystery to him.
“It’s a severe malignant brain tumor,” The doctor told him later that day, “however this is unlike any one we have seen before. Rather than being in a somewhat centralized area, this one splintered out. The cancer has a spider web like effect to it, spreading out across most of your brain. I'm actually surprised you made it this far without complications.”
“I… I don’t know what to say doctor… Is there anything that can be done? Like can this be cured in any way?” he said
“Well… in normal cases of cancer there are treatment options, but this case is a little… different. The tumor has weaved its way into most of the hemispheres your brain, and surgery isn’t an option… And if I'm being honest, it’s a little late to try… Well, look, maybe we should wait for your parents to get here and then we can talk more. Until then, rest up. You’re going to be fine, you should be able to live out the rest of your life without many more complications.”
An hour later, the doctor spoke with his parents out in the hallway. They came and told him that things didn’t look good for his life. The doctors said that he had only two weeks or so to live, but he could be taken home that very day. They seemed overly attached for the next few days, then incredibly distant after that.
They kept him in the dark about his cancer. When he asked about treatment or things he could do, they wouldn’t tell him a thing, and were furious when he brought it up. They never spoke about his cancer in front of him, however late at night he could hear his parents talking about it in their bedroom. They often debated the expenses of chemotherapy, and if it was worth keeping him alive a few more weeks at most. A few more weeks where he would suffer. His mother cried a lot at night, but would never show any signs of weakness or sadness around him. Everyone in his family acted as if nothing was wrong. They were in a constant state of denial.
Amelia was devastated. She wouldn’t let him out of her sight for days, and for a week showed more love and affection than ever before. After that first week, she became incredibly distant. She began avoiding him in the halls and skipping classes they had together. She ignored texts and phone calls, and her parents said she wasn’t home when he came asking for her. Amelia just dropped out of his life completely. Until he looked for her at the party that is.
His wounds had frozen over. Ice was caked onto his skin like a mask. His hair looked like jagged rocks on some icy shoreline. Still, he sprinted through the frozen jungle. Running from his past. Running from his future. But to where?
His body couldn’t take the strain anymore. It finally gave way to the unrelenting force of the world around him. He was miles from home when he slammed face first into the iced over snow in the middle of the woods. He laid face down, wheezing for air in a panicked fashion. He rolled onto his back, his body trying to gulp in air, but not getting near enough. His mind consisted of fragments and pieces of a person he once was. Memories that meant nothing now. His family lived in the past, and pretended nothing had happened when he was diagnosed with cancer. Amelia lived in the future, knowing his death was inevitable and finding comfort in someone she found more stable. And him? He didn’t live in the past or future. In fact, he didn’t even live in the present much longer either. His mind was gone, devoid of any thoughts aside from survival. He wasn’t thinking of what’s to come, or what had been. He was truly thinking in the moment, gasping for air as he died slowly in the cold.
His entire body was senseless from the cold. His breath was as icy cold as the blanket of snow around him. His heartbeat slowed, his thoughts ceased, and his lungs stopped their screaming for air and settled in for this winter’s eternal hibernation.

Snow day after snow day. I've been wrapped in the nice warm blanket of self esteem and assurance the last few days. Boy has it been nice. But tomorrow, tomorrow I go back to the dismal failure of life. Back to feelings of inferiority. To wanting to cry on stage because your throat is bleeding, but you're still somehow too quiet. To wanting to bury myself in ice to be as cold as the world. To the lies. To the fantasy hopes of good grades. To the dreams of hearing a good job and knowing it's not a joke. To the cold drives. To wanting to cut open my sternum with a rusty cleaver. To the illusive memories of being good at something. Back to wanting to hang onto a lead weight and jump into the deep abyss of the ocean. Back to wanting to shove splintered wood deep into people's throats. Back to life. I wish life wasnt so fucking dark.

I have her though. She's the hope I need. She's the reason I don't do all of the above. I won't always wear a big smile, but because of her I overcome these terrible feelings.

Snow day!

No school!

Cucumber Story

I just peed on a cucumber.

Fewf, I really needed to get that out. That's for being there for me guys.

(It was a half eaten slice from my fish that I took out of their tank and was going to flush to get rid of)

Ack. What the heck. My muscles are all tense. It feels like all my muscles are tightening up and pulling in opposite directions, like they're trying to pull my bones apart. It's like a tense feeling but more. Weird. Hopefully it doesn't kill me before the weekend. I want to sleep in at least once this week.

Comforting Myself With A Rant

Well, barring road clogging snow from the heavens or a school shooting, I'll have an AP English test tomorrow. I'm dreading it. It's another chance to show that I haven't improved, that my teacher still doesn't like my writing. Today I had math, and while more confidence boosting than usual, it still didn't bring a sense of self worth. It's never been my strong suit, but at least I'm holding steady in there. English on the other hand has been my strong suit until now. All my life teachers have gawked over my writing and speeches. Until now. It's as if I was nearing the end of a marathon, and someone suddenly pulled up a steel bar across the road that dropped me on my back. Now I'm being trampled and crushed, and success has become impossible. What once was will never be.